Halftime Report with a Twist

Published on the 11th anniversary of Taylor's passing. In loving memory of the little girl who forever changed my life, and continues to shape it! #taylorsworld

Well well well!!! We have made it half way through the year ! Take a moment to do a quick replay of the first half of the year.

If it has been anything like mine, my only question is...HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING THE RIDE? lol. And before you answer that question with all the things that did not pan out how you wanted, I truly want you to take a look at the entire picture; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Often times, we can only see the negative and overlook the good things that happened. In this season, let us keep Romans 8:28 at the top of our mind. He doesn't just make the good work, but he takes it all and makes EVERYTHING work. And it will be all good...I was going to erase my little speech, butttttt I'll let you all walk through the thoughts with me.

I've been working on this blog for a few weeks and I was going to focus on how we need to focus on giving the next 6 months our best. But the the more I started, I got distracted, ya know ADHD got hands lol. So, instead of taking inventory of the last 6 months and looking mapping out how I plan to be successful over the next...I really needed to look at the big picture and see just how life has had hands and how every plan that I had did not work. So, maybe I don't try to plan the next 6 months, but use it as a time to be grateful for surviving what I'd call the worst 11 years of my life!

***THIS MAY BE A LONGER READ THAN NORMAL, BUT STICK WITH ME***

If anyone would have told 28 year old me the curveball that life would throw me, I would absolutely tell them they were lying and there was NO way God would put that on me! Not that I thought I was exempt from hiis struggles, but I definitely believed that type of heartache was not something I would have to worry about because in my head, that meant he would no longer be just, because what you mean you gave me a kid and decided to take her away in such a harsh way?!?! Unfortunately, it would take me years to understand what the old folks meant when they said that he rains on the just as well as the unjust, I've learned a lot of scripture references over the past few years lol. And even though I've been able to recall scripture and apply them to my situation, it did not necessaryly make these last 11 years better. Honestly, I have probably questioned God more in the past 11 years than I have my entire life and at first, I was afraid to admit that, but the more I navigated grief, the more I became comfortable with asking the tough questions.

Navigating grief over the past 11 years has been a journey, and while I was open about it in the beginning, over time I started being quiet about it, because at one point, I stopped dealing with it and just started going through the motions. And while your grief may not look like my grief, it doesn't take away from the fact that we are dealing with a loss. We can grieve so many things in so many different ways. I've had to grieve the life I planned for myself a few times. I've had to navigate child loss, a failed marriage, and the dreams and plans I had for myself. Each time, I had to find myself and choose to rewrite the story. We all have choices!

11 Years is a long time to grieve...but we are finally healing and doing it well. Here are 11 things I've learned as I've grieved.

1. Don't tell anyone that it gets better with time...you know how that feels! For me, it got worse and the what ifs and I wonders are loud. My main thought goes to how would having her change how I navigate my relationship with Kensleigh. Would they be besties whose bond can't be broken? And while the pain is still there, it is a stronger reminder that my love for Taylor has not left or been replaced.

2. Therapy is your friend. About 3 years ago, I got serious about healing. I started to realize I was internalizing things and it was showing up in different areas of my life. I have developed anxiety and a lot of it has to do with feeling like I loss control. While it is still something that I suffer with, therapy has given me tools to reduce panic attacks and help regulate myself when I am starting to feel overwhelmed. Therapy isn't about answering all the questions, but providing tools to help navigate.

3. Your village matters. Having those who will stand in the gap has to be one of the undervalued things. But I had to learn people can only show up when you allow them to. As a hyper independent woman, I got accustomed to saying "I got it" "I'm good" and while it may stress me out, I would do the things I said I was going to do. It didn't matter if it meant I lost sleep or neglected myself. Then my friends would find out how much I was doing and fuss. They stopped asking and just started doing. It was in that moment those moments that I realized how important cultivating that village was. Different villages showed themselves at different times. From the friends and family that were there when Taylor passed to the old friends and new ones who have shown up for Kensleigh and myself when it's been heavy or light.

4. Your feelings are valid. No one knows what you are feeling, but you. If you are angry, it's okay. Often, I felt I had to say I was okay because that was what made others comfortable and I could not put words to what I was actually feeling. So, in my mind, I'm good/ok became the default answer. That is, until this past year. I have friends who joke that I don't cry and while we laugh about it, I did become concerned, because GIRL DO YOU HAVE TEARS!!!!! But I had used my default answer for so long that I did not feel comfortable showing any other emotion. Once I realized that whatever feeling I had was okay, things changed.

5. Be okay with feeling your feelings. This ties in with #4. Once I accepted that I was not okay and that was okay. I started being able to share my feelings. But surprisingly, the greatest feelings were anger and frustration. Yes, I was sad, but I was also very angry! For so long, I had heard that I couldn't be upset with God because he didn't make mistakes and ummmmm....clearly I thought he had made one! As I started to tell Him my issues and my beef with him, I got release some of that anger. Because where was I supposed to take these feelings. I had to get past what others had said and get to the root of MY feelings and be okay with feeling every emotion...even when they all came at once!

6. It will get ugly! A journey of healing does not mean you pick and choose which pieces you want to heal. You can try, but trust me...you only prolong the inevitable. Grief can unlock so many other things. In my grief journey, I had to realize I was a people pleaser and that unlocked my need to constantly say I was okay to make people comfortable. Those were hard habits to break. For once, I had to start taking care of myself and being honest with myself about the damage I was doing to myself. Creating boundaries meant I had to start adjusting how I showed up for others and initially, I would feel so bad about a no, but I realized each yes to someone meant I possibly told myself no. That created so much turmoil because people felt I was changing, and while I was, it was personal and for the betterment of myself. The deeper you get in healing, the more you may have to address the things that have been buried.

7. Remember that joy and grief can exist at the same time. When I was pregnant with Kensleigh, I had soooo much anxiety around bringing a child into the work and if the same thing that happened to Taylor would happen again, was I worthy enough of being a parent again, would I be able to protect this child, and the list went on and on!!!!! My entire pregnancy was filled with these thoughts! I was so glad I was getting the opportunity to be a mom again, but I was terrified of being happy about it. For the above reasons, but also, would people think I was trying to replace Taylor with this child (refer back to the above statement about people pleasing). There would be so much guilt when I would find myself smiling too much and then be like but you had a child die...you shouldn't be happy. I now know this was an insane thought, but it was what was happening. When I finally started to realize one didn't diminish the other, and I could love what I was creating, it was such a game changer. It's one of the reasons Kensleigh knows so much about her sister. As a kid, she asks if I love Taylor more than her and I always tell her I love them the same, but we work to ensure Taylot is still present even though she isn't here. My advice, invite the grief to sit in the room with joy and see what you can learn from them both.

8. You don't have to have all the answers at once. I've mentioned I like control lol. I need to know all the information so I can make informed decisions because the unknown is scary and triggers my anxiety. But the reality is...I CANNOT know everything! It's not my job to know everything, but it is my job to prepare to handle whatever is thrown my way with the tools AND resources I have. If you don't know what the day will look like, that is okay!

9. Long term isolation is not the answer. Taking time to yourself is never an issue, but cutting yourself off from your people is not the answer. When I was younger, my Granddad would say an idle mind is the devil's playground. Our minds can be used to help us or destroy us. And when we are in dark times, it's important to have someone to shine the light every now and then. It is impossible for darkness to exist when there is light, even if it is temporary, you know there is a chance!

10. Grief is not linear, it truly is a cycle....with stages you can get stuck in. There is no roadmap for grief. It looks different for each of us. No one can tell you what stage you should be in or when it should end. There are days where I have accepted Taylor is gone, but there are some days where shock and denial are very loud! Because how did I get here. I wish I could tell you that it ends, but the greatest thing I heard was that grief was proof that you loved.

11. You will smile again. It may be in pockets, but each smile is a reminder that you are choosing to live through the grief and not let it win.

    
    

I started this blog with the intention of posting it on July 1. God really just be having His own plans and does not consult me. Insert eye roll.

Here I am on Thursday, July 16, eleven years after the worst day of my life, finishing a blog about my grief journey. I had a completely different plan for today. It included relaxing on a rooftop by the pool… but instead, I’m sitting in Starbucks finishing this post. 11 years later, It doesn't mean I don't miss her, it means I find different ways to incorporate into my life. She still gets to help me write the story of my life because she is forever in my heart.

The last year has been full of ups and downs, but the growth has been beautiful. Grief has been such a big part of my story, but realizing that it doesn’t have to be the only part of my identity gives me so much hope for the chapters that are still to come. My story will always include moments of grief, but I hope the last eleven years have given me a foundation to write a story that showcases all the beautiful things life still has to offer instead of allowing grief to remain the focal point.

At the end of the day, the day has to end (shout out to Gloria Hallelujah 😂). And because each day ends, we get another chance to try again. Choosing to get up is the first step toward living through grief. Whatever your grief is, it does not define you. It may shape a season of your life, but it is not who you will be forever.

If I could tell the 28-year-old version of myself anything, I would tell her to buckle up—it’s going to be bumpy. But I would also tell her that the woman who keeps getting up after the worst day of her life is someone worth knowing. You will lose a lot, but because you choose to keep getting up, life will eventually give you moments of sunshine that begin to light those dark paths.

You will smile again.

You will love yourself again.

You will become a mother again, and my God… she will challenge you, stretch you, and make you so incredibly proud!

So to you reading this, keep getting up. And when you don't have the strength, surround yourself with those who will help you get up! Take a deep breath and conquer each moment, one at a time.